The chemicals in your head

I’ve been emailing a few therapists, and also talking to a few.  The price they ask for over here in Europe is really expensive. 

At my stage, as I’m not even in the ‘recovering’ stages yet, unforutnately isn’t as simple as ‘just stopping’.  I appreciate the advice that SAWife gave in comments on my last post, but right now on a daily basis I either make it through, or I falter.  So I’m still at that stage.

I was talking to a punter who gave me a summary of his own story, so I just wanted to share. 

“I just woke up and started to think about
the consequences of what I was doing and that it was actually
controlling me. At one point I was going to parlours about 5 times a
week. Then sometimes seeing 2 girls a day. I somehow didnt connect the
debt I was getting into with what I thought of as a hobby. It would have
been the same had I had a gambling addiction. I found the chemical it
released in my head somehow got me high..it was a real rush. So I asked
myself honestly could I give up. and I really struggled to reduce it to
once a month which took about a year. Interestingly I started to
confront what you might call my triggers. I discovered I didnt just go
because I was feeling horny..often stress at work or other areas of my
life manifested itself in the compulsion to go to a parlour or an
Indie. It was a form of escape. Then finally I really tried so hard to
understand and deal with the other factors such as stress etc and
gradually weaned myself off. In all the time I was actively involved I
really liked the people I met.I have no moral judgement on what people
want to do assuming its between 2 consenting adults. And I think there
is nothing wrong with being a punter or a working girl it just got out
of control.”

What was interesting about that was the way he described the dopamine loop.  I never thought of it this way, but like certain drugs, and activities, I believe sex is one of the activities that release a surge of dopamine which results in a positive binding.  I’m sure alot of psychiatrists and what not will disagree.  It’s also not an excuse to stop.

Anyway, I must say today I was quite ‘proud’ of myself in the sense that I consciously stopped myself from acting out entirely – I did browse some sites, but more for the ‘education’ (like the conversation above).  I found at one point to habitually want to masturbate, but found myself stopping also, just telling myself I don’t need to. 

And this may sound strange, but for me, that’s actually a break through.

Seeking a Therapist

I’ve been seeking help from a few therapists recently.

I did something similar a year ago.  But I never went through with it.

Partly because of finances.  Partly because I question really how much they would really be able to help me.

I am not sure if it’s ‘money well spent’.  I suppose I may be looking more at short term pleasures than long term gain.

A really nice therapist, by the name of Paula, offered some great advice.  She seemed great, but lives too far away.  She did give me some great advice.

Another is unforutnately based in the US.  She really seemed to know alot about the condition, on a medical / scientific level.  But does that translate to help?

And with the cost of most therapy being around the same cost as acting out, I am not surprised not many people don’t seek help, until it’s devastated their lives.

The way I see it right now, I may have an addiction, but it’s not reached a point where all aspects my life are in shit.

So I keep doing what I’m doing.  If only I was smarter, I could probably see a bit further down the road.

But then again, I wonder, is it really that bad?  Do I even really have a problem?

Almost acted out today

Today I almost acted out.  It’s probably been about a week since I last acted out.

It started with me sitting at the computer, actually, working.

Then I suddenly veered off. I don’t know if there was a ‘trigger’ factor. Probably a mental trigger. Nothing substantial.

I started looking at this local forum. Read a new question about a new girl, who I saw a profile of yesterday.

I was already very tempted by her looks yesterday. And reading the description today made me even more tempted.

I ended up clicking through to the website, and calling up the number.

Turns out she was working.

I could barely hold back, esp after the receptionist gave me the description, hitting the keywords I was looking for.

I made an appointment… I wanted to see her. But in the nick of time, I stopped myself. Told her I might have something happening, and will call back.

I distracted myself. But couldn’t help myself. Browsed to the site again. Saw her again. I walked away from the PC. Came back. I felt knots in my stomach. Do it.  No, don’t do it.

Various thoughts ran through my head.  I called my girlfriend, thinking it would help.  She didn’t answer.  I can’t do this.  But then again, I can’t seem to control it.

I took stock of my finances.  I probably shouldn’t spend the money.  Even though I have some coming in, I have to use it to pay off other things. 

But in my head, the value I get for my money from this is much more….

I called them back.  ‘I’ll come at 5:20′.

‘Sorry,’ they replied, ‘someone’s just taken the 5:30′

I felt a certain sense of disappointment, but also a sense of relief.  It means I don’t really have a choice.

‘You could make an appointment later on if you like…’

‘It would be too late for me,’ I responded.  I was quite proud with myself.

‘She’s also working tomorrow… and the day after…’

‘Ok.. maybe then…’

I hung up, and the thought lingered in my head.  But the sensation certainly is not as strong as I feel in myself right now, about TODAY.

I read on another addict’s blog, that it’s a daily struggle.

Is it really going to be such a struggle?