The chemicals in your head

I’ve been emailing a few therapists, and also talking to a few.  The price they ask for over here in Europe is really expensive. 

At my stage, as I’m not even in the ‘recovering’ stages yet, unforutnately isn’t as simple as ‘just stopping’.  I appreciate the advice that SAWife gave in comments on my last post, but right now on a daily basis I either make it through, or I falter.  So I’m still at that stage.

I was talking to a punter who gave me a summary of his own story, so I just wanted to share. 

“I just woke up and started to think about
the consequences of what I was doing and that it was actually
controlling me. At one point I was going to parlours about 5 times a
week. Then sometimes seeing 2 girls a day. I somehow didnt connect the
debt I was getting into with what I thought of as a hobby. It would have
been the same had I had a gambling addiction. I found the chemical it
released in my head somehow got me high..it was a real rush. So I asked
myself honestly could I give up. and I really struggled to reduce it to
once a month which took about a year. Interestingly I started to
confront what you might call my triggers. I discovered I didnt just go
because I was feeling horny..often stress at work or other areas of my
life manifested itself in the compulsion to go to a parlour or an
Indie. It was a form of escape. Then finally I really tried so hard to
understand and deal with the other factors such as stress etc and
gradually weaned myself off. In all the time I was actively involved I
really liked the people I met.I have no moral judgement on what people
want to do assuming its between 2 consenting adults. And I think there
is nothing wrong with being a punter or a working girl it just got out
of control.”

What was interesting about that was the way he described the dopamine loop.  I never thought of it this way, but like certain drugs, and activities, I believe sex is one of the activities that release a surge of dopamine which results in a positive binding.  I’m sure alot of psychiatrists and what not will disagree.  It’s also not an excuse to stop.

Anyway, I must say today I was quite ‘proud’ of myself in the sense that I consciously stopped myself from acting out entirely – I did browse some sites, but more for the ‘education’ (like the conversation above).  I found at one point to habitually want to masturbate, but found myself stopping also, just telling myself I don’t need to. 

And this may sound strange, but for me, that’s actually a break through.

Seeking a Therapist

I’ve been seeking help from a few therapists recently.

I did something similar a year ago.  But I never went through with it.

Partly because of finances.  Partly because I question really how much they would really be able to help me.

I am not sure if it’s ‘money well spent’.  I suppose I may be looking more at short term pleasures than long term gain.

A really nice therapist, by the name of Paula, offered some great advice.  She seemed great, but lives too far away.  She did give me some great advice.

Another is unforutnately based in the US.  She really seemed to know alot about the condition, on a medical / scientific level.  But does that translate to help?

And with the cost of most therapy being around the same cost as acting out, I am not surprised not many people don’t seek help, until it’s devastated their lives.

The way I see it right now, I may have an addiction, but it’s not reached a point where all aspects my life are in shit.

So I keep doing what I’m doing.  If only I was smarter, I could probably see a bit further down the road.

But then again, I wonder, is it really that bad?  Do I even really have a problem?

Almost acted out today

Today I almost acted out.  It’s probably been about a week since I last acted out.

It started with me sitting at the computer, actually, working.

Then I suddenly veered off. I don’t know if there was a ‘trigger’ factor. Probably a mental trigger. Nothing substantial.

I started looking at this local forum. Read a new question about a new girl, who I saw a profile of yesterday.

I was already very tempted by her looks yesterday. And reading the description today made me even more tempted.

I ended up clicking through to the website, and calling up the number.

Turns out she was working.

I could barely hold back, esp after the receptionist gave me the description, hitting the keywords I was looking for.

I made an appointment… I wanted to see her. But in the nick of time, I stopped myself. Told her I might have something happening, and will call back.

I distracted myself. But couldn’t help myself. Browsed to the site again. Saw her again. I walked away from the PC. Came back. I felt knots in my stomach. Do it.  No, don’t do it.

Various thoughts ran through my head.  I called my girlfriend, thinking it would help.  She didn’t answer.  I can’t do this.  But then again, I can’t seem to control it.

I took stock of my finances.  I probably shouldn’t spend the money.  Even though I have some coming in, I have to use it to pay off other things. 

But in my head, the value I get for my money from this is much more….

I called them back.  ‘I’ll come at 5:20′.

‘Sorry,’ they replied, ‘someone’s just taken the 5:30′

I felt a certain sense of disappointment, but also a sense of relief.  It means I don’t really have a choice.

‘You could make an appointment later on if you like…’

‘It would be too late for me,’ I responded.  I was quite proud with myself.

‘She’s also working tomorrow… and the day after…’

‘Ok.. maybe then…’

I hung up, and the thought lingered in my head.  But the sensation certainly is not as strong as I feel in myself right now, about TODAY.

I read on another addict’s blog, that it’s a daily struggle.

Is it really going to be such a struggle?

I just HAVE to

My desires to go are increasing as I am sat here at the computer doing work.  I feel like I have to do something.

I haven’t done anything in a few days, and have been feeling good about not doing it.

But I feel like I just have to. 

The more I think about this, the more I realise I do have an addiction, and probably need to do something about it.

The intermediate solution would be to just watch some porn and jerk off.  But I’m not sure if I’ll find that satisfying enough.

I want to get out of the house, but I also know if I do, I’ll be tempted to chat up some girls.

All while my girlfriend is at work. 

Reading Sex Addict Blogs

So I’m reading blogs of other addicts last night, and one thing I know for sure, is I don’t want it to ever escalate to that level.  Married, engaged, still cheating, still doing whores and all that crap. 

But I woke up this morning.  And I get an email through one of the adult sites, of a girl whose profile I stumbled upon weeks ago.  I thought she looked really good.

She sent me her number and said ‘look forward to hearing from u xx’

I’ve now saved her number in my phone.  I probably should not have, but it felt like another part of me just took over. 

Now that I’ve done it, I know it’s the wrong thing to do.  But part of me is already scheming about how and when I want to call and see her.  Maybe to check the rates on the site again, to make sure that they are affordable.  Ah, there you go.  I’ve done it now.

My ‘best friend’ H (continued)

So I was talking about H, and how we were great travel buddies, doing all the things guys do together, especially whoring. 

I really thought he was a great friend.  My parents have even met him, but know nothing obviously of this dark side of him. 

My sisters (and many friends) did say, however, that they never got a good feeling about him.

H and I had a really good time, until my GF moved in, and he followed suit with a girl also from her city.

There was something off about that, especially since unlike me having talked about her alot,  this ‘girlfriend’ of his was a girl that was handing out flyers for a strip club who he met, and slept with.

He claims they stayed in touch, but suddenly, she just turned up at our doorstep.  Permissions from our other flatmates were not even asked before hand.

But the bigger issue I suppose, was that I felt he was trying to one up me.

At the same time, I was still sucked in by his ‘friendship’.  He called
me his ‘best friend’.  In fact, going as far to tell me I was like a
‘brother from a different mother’.

One day, due to his carelessness, his ‘girlfriend’ discovered some whoring stuff on his laptop.

He blamed it on me.

I was pretty angry and annoyed at the time to be made a scapegoat.  But he was right.  I had difficulty quitting the whoring behaviour.  So the punts continued, behind our girlfriend’s backs. 

We did another trip to Germany.

But deep down, I was angry, and felt betrayed, by the fact that in my
face, he encouraged this behaviour.  He told me it was ok to do this, everyone does it, stop being a p**** and just to ‘be a man’.

Then, my friends became his friends, and
our social circles really overlapped.

In time, we sort of moved apart.  His girlfriend obviously was hearing whatever he was telling her about me, and mine of his, so none of us really got on well.

About a year later, I was thinking to split up with my girlfriend. Mostly because I couldn’t stop this behaviour.

I felt compelled to get in touch with him.  Mostly because I felt, that he knew all about me, and could give me some sound advice.

‘Break up with her,’ he advised. ‘And I’ll break up with mine too.  Then we can go bang more hot girls.’

I must say, when he suggests things like that (and it was probably more descriptive), it certainly got me tempted.

He also told me it was ok to keep doing what I was doing.

I got to a point where I thought ok, I’m going to break up with my GF.  But I couldn’t go through with it.  Maybe because I do love her.  And instead, I decided to face my demons.

I told my GF the entire truth.  Lots of tears ensued.  She was of course, as a normal person would be, angry, upset, and disappointed with me.  But I think she also saw that it wasn’t really ‘me’ but this problem that I do want to resolve.

Thing is, very few of my other friends knew about this, except H.  And when I told my other friends that I’ve ‘come clean’, no one except H realised the implication of what I really meant.

In response, most of them thought I was picking up normal girls, having relationships with them and sleeping with them.  Which was kind of far from the truth, of course.  They thought that was a bad mistake.

Of course, H knew better.  But instead of supporting me, he goes to the other side.  He starts saying that the fact that my girlfrined ‘took me back’ he has lost all respect for her because she should have ‘slammed the door on the way out’.

What was interesting about this, of course, was how contradictory this was to his previous advice and suggestions. 

If he really felt that my actions were ‘wrong’, and that she should have left me because of it, why was he encouraging me to act out?

And that is when I realised what a REAL friend he was.  Not.

At about the same time, H realised his dream of becoming a porn producer.  And being the show off he was, he was posting photos of him and gorgeous porn girls, to impress everyone else.  Then, just after he publically humiliates me and my girlfriend, he would call me up and ask me to join him.

Of course, his girlfriend had no clue about this whatsoever.  He told everyone that he was a ‘movie producer’ for MTV.  He was living a lie. 

All I know is that while I was tempted to bang some hot porn girls, I know I didn’t want to be like him.   I’m glad to say, so far I’ve refrained from it.  Recently he’s even got the website up, so it’s only in due time before his friends and family realise what he’s been up to, especially since his face is plastered all over it.

Well done…

Scoring a ’10′ on the Betrayal Bond

Wow.  This is enlightening.  I just did the Betrayal Bond quiz on Patrick Carnes site, and scored a 10:

Dysfunctional Pattern – People who score in this range have a
pattern of dysfunction in their relationships. If they are not in a
Betrayal Bond, they certainly are vulnerable to one. Engaging in
therapy and education with a focus on family of origin issues would be
helpful.

Part of the thought process when doing that was in thinking about my relationship/friendship with H.

My “Best Friend” H

One of the problems I’ve had is with this guy I know, H.

H and I bonded together through a love for… you guessed it, beautiful women.  We’re also somewhat similar in terms of background.

I met him during a lonely phase of my life.  We’re both very much into meeting women.

And one thing was that H was entirely non-judgemental about me with whores.  In fact, while he was probably a bit more ‘stingy’ than me, he was encouraging of the behaviour.

I was doing this long before I met H, but I am sure that our ‘male pair bonding’ made the behaviour worse.

It was actually after meeting H that I first explored the red light districts in Amsterdam, along with the orgy fueled lifestyle at the German FKK clubs.  It was often swapping war stories, or even swapping girls.  I felt for the first time in my life, that here was someone I could talk openly about this stuff with, without thinking or worrying about consequences.

I really trusted him.

We had a great time travelling, because everything was out in the open, and it was our secret.  He moved countries, to hang out with me.  We moved into a flat together, and had some pretty girls in the flat (just friends!).  And for a while, it seemed like we were doing well.

That was, until shortly after, I met my current girlfriend when we were travelling.

I fell for this girl.  In a way, I believed I could quit for her.

And I think it made H jealous, on some level.

Especially when she moved in together with me, into our flat.

H and I started spending alot less time together, as I spent more with my girlfriend.

And this is where it gets all weird.

A few months later, out of the blue, he says that his ‘girlfriend’ was also moving into our flat.

Funny thing is, he never really mentioned this girl.

What was so sick about this all, was that she was also from my girlfriend’s city.

It was like he was imitating as I was doing.

I did confront him once, when he insulted my girlfriend by indicating she was older than me, only to point out that his girlfriend was 10 years younger than him.

And I was not the only one that was ‘weirded’ out by the whole thing.  Our entire flat, of girls (just friends) were.  Obviously, it was hard to talk about, because we were kind of living this double life.

And this is where the mess began, but it also sort of ‘woke me up’ to realise the big picture.

According to Patrick Carnes, I’m a Sex Addict

I just scored 14 on the SAST Core Scale.

That kind of sticks me right into the bell curve of addicts.

And since the test has been used since 1983, I suppose there isn’t much denial to it…

The following dimensions of an addictive disorder appeared in my answers:

· Preoccupation: obsessive thinking about sexual behavior, opportunities, and fantasies
· Loss of control: inability to stop behavior despite commitments to self and others and despite problems caused by
behavior
· Relationship disturbance: sexual behavior has created significant relationship problems
· Affect disturbance: significant depression, despair, or anxiety over sexual behavior

High School

As pointed out, I was fed up of being home.  So when I had the chance to leave, I jumped at it.

I left home at a young age, in my early teens. 

In high school, when I was away from home, I still had no
clue with girls.  I’ve had a few girls I really liked, but failed miserably with.

I spent most of my life up to that point in all boys
schools.  I remember thinking I’m going to get good with women.

I remember being very curious.  Seeing girls in short skirts have
always been erotic to me.  High school was filled with them.

Except that I was clueless with girls, and had no idea what to expect.  ‘Do girls here kiss?’ I once asked a senior, who laughed in my face.  Kind of made me the joke, and he’s since picked on me (I was never really bullied though as I usually do stand up for myself).

My first
experience interacting with a girl involved me getting her phone
number, only to call her at home that night.  Needless to say, I did
not realise I was ‘stalking’ her.  But I definitely weirded her out
that night.  (amazingly we’re still friends today, at least in my
‘double life’.) 

(A thought kicks in.  Maybe having sex with her will fix all my issues.  Then again, maybe not.)

Through high school, I was a geek, that was trying not to be a geek.  I
had the side that showed people what I was supposed to be.. the good
boy, the good student.

I was an average student.  I was bad with women.  I mean, I had a few female friends.  But it never went beyond that.

So I spent alot of time with my geek friends, talking about girls.  And in my time alone, I was going into this secret world..

I was browsing porn sites alot.  I used to get worried I’d get caught by the school.  But heck, they never did, and the worry soon dissipated.  Most other guys were probably doing that stuff anyway.  I also started learning about how to get girls, or how to seduce women.  I spent money on pheromones, and other shit, just thinking it would help.

Then, I discovered sex toys.  Retarded things like rubber love dolls and fake vaginas.  I spent a handful of money on those.  I remember the first time I had one shipped to me, I was so worried I’d get caught.  Especially when I attempted getting kinky with a blow up.

But it felt like I was seeking for something that wasn’t there.  Most of these toys would last for a short while, but never really fulfilled me.  I was also buying lots of porn VCDs (the VCD days).

The porn was getting more hardcore.  I’ve moved off from the Jap stuff.  This stuff is so much better.  Hot blondes and brunettes.  And it was normal stuff.  My high school friends were watching it too, in their bedrooms, in the basement at night when the dorm head is asleep.  My friends were borrowing my porn, and we were swapping stuff.  I remember even buying a VHS player, just to play a tape.  Some of that stuff used to be really hot.  Too bad I don’t think it’d get me off anymore, though.

I used to get very jealous about the sport jocks.  They got the hot girls around them.  One guy, E, was smaller than me, and he didn’t really do anyting super cool, but I remember being very jealous about him.  I was watching his every move, sort of wanting to be like him.  I started to get into sports.  He made me kind of insecure by way of a few comments and insults.  I stopped liking him, and some of those comments made me strive to do even better.

(lately I caught up with his life, and must admit, his life looks pretty boring now.  Too bad.)

Strangely enough, I discovered some other passions.  Some of these also made me more confident about myself.  By the time I was a senior, I was a pretty popular guy.  I still didn’t get any action, but I was a bit better.  I’m sure the motive deep below was to impress some girls though. 

I did have a couple of girls that had crushes on me.  One in particular, but I didn’t really fancy her.  But it was nice to have someone give you so much attention.  I was however infatuated with G, a girl I really had a crush on, and was very close to seducing with flowers and chocolates.  I bought her some balloons and chocolate for her birthday.  I serenaded her on valentine’s day.  Unforutnately we turned out to be “religiously incompatible”.  Too bad.  I really liked her. 

I did get to ask one of the hottest girls in the school to prom.  She said yes.  Every guy in high school was high fiving me.

But then, it was only until a week before prom finished, that I found out from a friend that she had a dirty little scheme. She had a boyfriend.  She actually wants to spend prom with him.  And she needed to get to the prom by way of an invite.  Her boyfriend was also going to go.  He didn’t even go to our school.

So she was using me. 

That pissed me off immensely. I called her up immediately, and told her I was not taking her. 

You should have heard her voice on the end of the line.  I was pretty angry, and so was she.  She started hurling abuse, but her voice trembling, ‘but I already bought a fucking dress!’ she would say. 

‘Too bad,’ I replied and hung up.  I was really proud of myself then. 

But in hindsight, that was just so reactive and low.

(I shoud have taken her there, and banged her in front of her boyfriend. Just kidding)

Anyway, that’s high school life.  I can’t believe it just flew by.  But I’m sure some of the events there shaped me in a way that I can’t even comprehend right now.

My Self Image

I had a pretty normal childhood.

I was never abused, very well brought up in a middle class family.  We even had a helper who looked after me.   I was never lonely either, with 2 sisters.

I had friends in school.  My parents were pretty caring.  They were strict about certain things, but reasonable.

The only thing that I never liked in childhood, was getting beaten with a bamboo stick by my mom in front of my sisters (never abused, but I must admit it would not be the way I educate my kids), and also the occasional critical self image they give me.

My mom would hit us as a way to tell us not to do something.  My girlfriend wondered if this ever had to do with sex.  No.  It was only things like failing exams, and stuff.

And it all stopped by the time I left home anyway.

I did remember wanting to leave home badly though.  I was only 11, but I was fed up of my mom shouting, and being ‘unreasonable’.

I was also fed up of both my parent’s criticism of me.  Usually in terms of how I look.

They would often compare me with my friends, including P, the guy who introduced me to the art of upskirts, and porn.

‘Look at P, he is such a hard worker.  He also has broad shoulders’

Yes.  The shoulders.  My parents never seize to inform me that I had ugly, narrow, rounded shoulders.  I told my mom once it was genetic, and she would not listen to me.

I was reminded of this almost every day.  Along with other body parts (no genital organs, in case you’re wondering!).  I do think it made me quite insecure about how I looked.  They even used to tell me that my lips were ‘too big’.

To this day, I am still conscious of my shoulders. Thankfully I’m considered a decent looking guy, and most girls find my lips one of my best features (don’t know if that’s a compliment or insult though!).  But I’m sure the damage there is done.

I suppose banging lots of girls, whether they be whores or freebies, do make me feel a bit better about myself.  It makes me feel like I’m the king of the world, I’m attractive, they like me, and I just banged a super hot girl so I must be pretty damn hot myself.

I know it’s an illusion, but just to point out, I think seeking that self validation may be part of the addiction.