It started when I was 17

Yes.  I was 17.   I was a virgin.  I was visiting a friend who just turned 18, and he started telling me about getting to touch the girl at the lap dance.

I remember his description in that email about silicone breasts… and how it turned me on.  I’ve never seen it.  In fact, I’ve failed miserably at even holding a girl’s hand.

I was out to visit him.  Then somehow, I ended up in a massage parlour, without even knowing what it was.

That’s how it began.  And I’ll save details for another time.

I’m sure that’s the start.  It spiralled off lots more encounters that just went to new levels.

We’re now 10 years later, and I’m not any better off. Except, that I am still obsessed with this stuff.

Problem is, I kind of have a double life now.

I have a ‘healthy’ sex life with my partner, a pretty decent life, a good girlfriend, a great family, lots of friends.

But this other part of me… it just can’t control itself.  I often am browsing for ‘high class escorts’ or ‘masseuses’.  I feel compelled to see them.  And I gotta admit to myself.  I’m a whore monger.

I’ve tried to stop.  Many times.  But in the end, my brain will rationalise things one way or another.

Only in hindsight will I ask, what is it that I’m doing?  Why am I doing this?

Well, that’s something I’ve been trying to figure out for a long time.  I’ve also said I want to stop, then I would say I don’t.  What’s wrong with me?

Do I really not value my life? Is this how I want to throw it all down the drain?

I hope that by writing out my experiences, and trying to introspect things a bit more, I’ll come to a better understanding.