Today I almost acted out. It’s probably been about a week since I last acted out.
It started with me sitting at the computer, actually, working.
Then I suddenly veered off. I don’t know if there was a ‘trigger’ factor. Probably a mental trigger. Nothing substantial.
I started looking at this local forum. Read a new question about a new girl, who I saw a profile of yesterday.
I was already very tempted by her looks yesterday. And reading the description today made me even more tempted.
I ended up clicking through to the website, and calling up the number.
Turns out she was working.
I could barely hold back, esp after the receptionist gave me the description, hitting the keywords I was looking for.
I made an appointment… I wanted to see her. But in the nick of time, I stopped myself. Told her I might have something happening, and will call back.
I distracted myself. But couldn’t help myself. Browsed to the site again. Saw her again. I walked away from the PC. Came back. I felt knots in my stomach. Do it. No, don’t do it.
Various thoughts ran through my head. I called my girlfriend, thinking it would help. She didn’t answer. I can’t do this. But then again, I can’t seem to control it.
I took stock of my finances. I probably shouldn’t spend the money. Even though I have some coming in, I have to use it to pay off other things.
But in my head, the value I get for my money from this is much more….
I called them back. ‘I’ll come at 5:20′.
‘Sorry,’ they replied, ‘someone’s just taken the 5:30′
I felt a certain sense of disappointment, but also a sense of relief. It means I don’t really have a choice.
‘You could make an appointment later on if you like…’
‘It would be too late for me,’ I responded. I was quite proud with myself.
‘She’s also working tomorrow… and the day after…’
‘Ok.. maybe then…’
I hung up, and the thought lingered in my head. But the sensation certainly is not as strong as I feel in myself right now, about TODAY.
I read on another addict’s blog, that it’s a daily struggle.
Is it really going to be such a struggle?
