Scoring a ’10′ on the Betrayal Bond

Wow.  This is enlightening.  I just did the Betrayal Bond quiz on Patrick Carnes site, and scored a 10:

Dysfunctional Pattern – People who score in this range have a
pattern of dysfunction in their relationships. If they are not in a
Betrayal Bond, they certainly are vulnerable to one. Engaging in
therapy and education with a focus on family of origin issues would be
helpful.

Part of the thought process when doing that was in thinking about my relationship/friendship with H.

My “Best Friend” H

One of the problems I’ve had is with this guy I know, H.

H and I bonded together through a love for… you guessed it, beautiful women.  We’re also somewhat similar in terms of background.

I met him during a lonely phase of my life.  We’re both very much into meeting women.

And one thing was that H was entirely non-judgemental about me with whores.  In fact, while he was probably a bit more ‘stingy’ than me, he was encouraging of the behaviour.

I was doing this long before I met H, but I am sure that our ‘male pair bonding’ made the behaviour worse.

It was actually after meeting H that I first explored the red light districts in Amsterdam, along with the orgy fueled lifestyle at the German FKK clubs.  It was often swapping war stories, or even swapping girls.  I felt for the first time in my life, that here was someone I could talk openly about this stuff with, without thinking or worrying about consequences.

I really trusted him.

We had a great time travelling, because everything was out in the open, and it was our secret.  He moved countries, to hang out with me.  We moved into a flat together, and had some pretty girls in the flat (just friends!).  And for a while, it seemed like we were doing well.

That was, until shortly after, I met my current girlfriend when we were travelling.

I fell for this girl.  In a way, I believed I could quit for her.

And I think it made H jealous, on some level.

Especially when she moved in together with me, into our flat.

H and I started spending alot less time together, as I spent more with my girlfriend.

And this is where it gets all weird.

A few months later, out of the blue, he says that his ‘girlfriend’ was also moving into our flat.

Funny thing is, he never really mentioned this girl.

What was so sick about this all, was that she was also from my girlfriend’s city.

It was like he was imitating as I was doing.

I did confront him once, when he insulted my girlfriend by indicating she was older than me, only to point out that his girlfriend was 10 years younger than him.

And I was not the only one that was ‘weirded’ out by the whole thing.  Our entire flat, of girls (just friends) were.  Obviously, it was hard to talk about, because we were kind of living this double life.

And this is where the mess began, but it also sort of ‘woke me up’ to realise the big picture.

My Self Image

I had a pretty normal childhood.

I was never abused, very well brought up in a middle class family.  We even had a helper who looked after me.   I was never lonely either, with 2 sisters.

I had friends in school.  My parents were pretty caring.  They were strict about certain things, but reasonable.

The only thing that I never liked in childhood, was getting beaten with a bamboo stick by my mom in front of my sisters (never abused, but I must admit it would not be the way I educate my kids), and also the occasional critical self image they give me.

My mom would hit us as a way to tell us not to do something.  My girlfriend wondered if this ever had to do with sex.  No.  It was only things like failing exams, and stuff.

And it all stopped by the time I left home anyway.

I did remember wanting to leave home badly though.  I was only 11, but I was fed up of my mom shouting, and being ‘unreasonable’.

I was also fed up of both my parent’s criticism of me.  Usually in terms of how I look.

They would often compare me with my friends, including P, the guy who introduced me to the art of upskirts, and porn.

‘Look at P, he is such a hard worker.  He also has broad shoulders’

Yes.  The shoulders.  My parents never seize to inform me that I had ugly, narrow, rounded shoulders.  I told my mom once it was genetic, and she would not listen to me.

I was reminded of this almost every day.  Along with other body parts (no genital organs, in case you’re wondering!).  I do think it made me quite insecure about how I looked.  They even used to tell me that my lips were ‘too big’.

To this day, I am still conscious of my shoulders. Thankfully I’m considered a decent looking guy, and most girls find my lips one of my best features (don’t know if that’s a compliment or insult though!).  But I’m sure the damage there is done.

I suppose banging lots of girls, whether they be whores or freebies, do make me feel a bit better about myself.  It makes me feel like I’m the king of the world, I’m attractive, they like me, and I just banged a super hot girl so I must be pretty damn hot myself.

I know it’s an illusion, but just to point out, I think seeking that self validation may be part of the addiction.

I probably am.

Let’s start from the very beginning…